[PRL] Fwd: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin'

[Jeffrey Palm]

Matthias Felleisen wrote:

> Since we talked "Houston" in lab today and the good old
> rainy days, I thought I'd share this message with you,
> which some friend from down there (originally from Georgia)
> sent me this evening. If you're offended by the language
> in the subject line, don't read ...

I stopped here because I'm offended easily, but you're not claiming 
Texas to be in the South, are you?

Jeff

> Begin forwarded message:
> 
>> Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin'
>>
>> Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin... Issued by the
>> Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
>> Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and
>> Southwestern Urbanites and Canukians.
>>
>> 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
>> Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve
>> breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
>> know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
>>
>> 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther,
>> Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or
>> we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
>>
>> 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
>> here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
>> flying rat's patootie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
>> Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.
>> Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
>>
>> 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
>> than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
>> better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
>> to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your
>> ass.
>>
>> 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith
>> of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI
>> WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
>> have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al
>> Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you
>> think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
>> someone move to our state in order to run for the
>> Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
>> his/her ass.
>>
>> 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
>> listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
>> instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
>> paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
>> visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
>> we'll kick your ass.
>>
>> 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
>> shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the
>> hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
>>
>> 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
>> will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
>> biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put
>> sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
>>
>> 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a
>> riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
>>
>> 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at
>> home because we know better. Many of us have visited
>> Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and
>> we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
>> here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on
>> home before it gets kicked.
>>
>> 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
>> this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
>> don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
>> All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
>> and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
>> alone, or we'll kick your ass.
>>
>> 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and
>> polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire
>> recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll
>> kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
>>
>> 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir
>> and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
>> seats to old folks because such things are expected of
>> civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
>> little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
>> manners into your ass just like they did ours.
>>
>> 14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most
>> of us live in the countryside? That's because we
>> have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime
>> infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
>> Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick
>> your ass.
>>
>> 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here
>> and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
>> ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we
>> let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue,
>> and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Egotist, n. a person more interested in himself than in me
>>
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> 
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-- 
Jeffrey Palm --> http://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/jpalm