[PRL] Fwd: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin'

[Matthias Felleisen]

Since we talked "Houston" in lab today and the good old
rainy days, I thought I'd share this message with you,
which some friend from down there (originally from Georgia)
sent me this evening. If you're offended by the language
in the subject line, don't read ...

Begin forwarded message:
> Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin'
>
> Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin... Issued by the
> Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
> Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and
> Southwestern Urbanites and Canukians.
>
> 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
> Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve
> breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
> know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
>
> 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther,
> Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or
> we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
>
> 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
> here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
> flying rat's patootie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
> Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.
> Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
>
> 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
> than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
> better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
> to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your
> ass.
>
> 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith
> of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI
> WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
> have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al
> Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you
> think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
> someone move to our state in order to run for the
> Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
> his/her ass.
>
> 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
> listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
> instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
> paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
> visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
> we'll kick your ass.
>
> 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
> shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the
> hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
>
> 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
> will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
> biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put
> sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
>
> 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a
> riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
>
> 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at
> home because we know better. Many of us have visited
> Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and
> we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
> here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on
> home before it gets kicked.
>
> 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
> this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
> don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
> All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
> and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
> alone, or we'll kick your ass.
>
> 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and
> polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire
> recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll
> kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
>
> 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir
> and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
> seats to old folks because such things are expected of
> civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
> little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
> manners into your ass just like they did ours.
>
> 14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most
> of us live in the countryside? That's because we
> have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime
> infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
> Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick
> your ass.
>
> 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here
> and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
> ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we
> let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue,
> and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Egotist, n. a person more interested in himself than in me
>
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